All Settled

The last time you all heard from me, I spoke about stretching yourself (Get out of your Zone) and Faking it. These were two posts that were about stepping out on faith and out of your comfort zone, discovering your capabilities and doing what you think you cannot do. In the months after I published those two pieces, I put my money where my mouth was-so to speak, and accepted a new position, with a new company, in a new city, in a different industry with a totally different culture. Whew! Yet, I could not be happier. And know that I will be the better for it.

God is good. I wanted something new and newness is honestly just all around. I am grateful for this season of life that I am in.

A couple of weeks ago an old friend of mine, who also lives in the area now, reached out and invited me to dinner. I said to her, “Well it’s about time! I thought maybe you forgot that I live here now.” Her response was, “I wanted to give you time to get settled.” And that word has stuck with me ever since…

The past nine months have been so…full. One was full of tragedy, followed by months of emotional turmoil, separation, and then busyness. I tried to keep myself busy to avoid thinking and feeling… and then I actually became busy when I decided to take this next step in my career. And then, once I moved I became “busy” setting up my new home, getting acquainted with the area (like finding a hair and nail salon!), learning the ropes at work, and just trying to get into a new groove and way of doing things. Now, 2 ½ months later I think I have reached the point where I can…just breathe. There is nothing else “to-do,” yet I do not quite feel settled.

If you were to look up what the word settled means, you would find these several definitions: (1) to have resolved or reached an agreement about an argument or problem; (2) to have adopted a more steady or secure style of life, especially in a new job or home; (3) to have sat or come to rest in a comfortable position; (4) to turn one’s attention to/ apply oneself to; and (5) to become or make calmer or quieter.

Now while I have adopted a new style of life after my move and new job, there are other aspects of this definition that yet escape me.

For example, I have yet to reach an agreement about an ongoing argument I have been having with God… why did my brother have to die? At 22. And why has there been no justice for him? I still have these questions that have gone unresolved and I cannot seem to just let it go… Not when every time I think about my brother I am still in disbelief that this happened to our family. Sigh. So I am not settled in that respect yet I know that “the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.” (1 Peter 5:10) So, I just continue to pray that God helps me with my anger, hurt, and regret so that I can accept and find peace in the fact that my brother, Joseph, is in heaven with Him.

Ok, next.

I also have not come to rest in a comfortable position.

These past few months in particular I have just felt like there is something for me to do.  I could sit here and say, I wish I knew what it was but that would not be true. You see, as a child there were 3 things I wanted to be when I grew-up: a teacher, a singer, and a writer. Though I am not a schoolteacher, my profession lends me the opportunity to design training, create curriculum, teach and speak on various topics to many people in different stages of their own careers. So, that part is covered. And, though I am no Alicia Keys I do still love to sing and have been the Worship Leader at my church for the last 10 years. So, check. But, when do I write? Unless texts count, hardly ever. I just do not have the time. Work gets in the way. Family gets in the way. Life is in the way. Or maybe, just maybe, I am in the way.

I can tell myself, like most people who do not follow their dreams, that it’s because of fear… fear of failure, fear of losing, fear of whatever… yet when it comes down to it, the reason why a lot of people do not chase their dream is because they have no plan and they procrastinate. I can say that because I have seen it enough times, read enough about it (see some interesting articles here), and ashamedly, am guilty of it as well. I have yet to just jot down goals and possible outcomes- I am keeping all these ideas in my head. Shame on me, a writer, for not writing things down! And almost everyday I say, I am going to write, I am going to make time to write, I am going to post more, and then something else will come up and I will say, “Oh, I’ll write later…” and later never comes. I got to get my life. For you old-school folks, do not feel bad, I just learned what that phrase means the other day and used it on my 12 year-old who could only shake his head at me as he said, “Mom, you’re not cool.” Thanks, kid.

Anyway, I digress… back to the topic at hand. So, because I have failed to settle (turn my attention to and apply myself) on following after my dream I have actually been settling with life.  And this is not the good kind of settle. No, no, no. This “settle” means to accept in spite of incomplete satisfaction. For shame. That is what that gnawing feeling is. It is incomplete satisfaction. That is no way to live. Sure, everything in your life may not be perfect or even the exact way you want it to be, but you can still live satisfied and fulfilled. Jesus came so that we could have abundant life (John 10:10). Jesus wants us to enjoy life completely, not barely be satisfied!

So… guess what I am going to do now? Write. And keep on writing. So, come check me out tomorrow and in the meantime, I wanna hear from you. Are you settling? Or do you have some settling to do? Share below!

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