Girls and Friends

Recently someone said to me, “Your girls are not your friends.” He wasn’t directing that statement specifically at me and my “girls” he was speaking in general terms. And continued with, when you are in a relationship, your girls may be happy for you are first, but the more you start to tell them and if you are really happy, the first time something goes wrong, they will always have something to say about that man and your relationship until you end it.  And they don’t do it on purpose, it may be subconscious because that’s just how women are.

And though at first I was ready to dismiss it, he went on to make some excellent points.

We have all heard of the crab in the barrel mentality, some may call it “hating”, hoping for the failure of others…being jealous of others success, not wanting someone else to make it if you can’t make it too.

So ladies, do you and your group of friends… secretly or unknowingly hope your single girlfriends stay single because you’re still single? Do you honestly want your friend’s relationships to work out and for her to be happy? Or do you want her to be as miserable with her man as you are with yours?

You know, I blame this all on Eve. It is because of her, being unsatisfied with everything God gave to her and Adam that she just had to go and taste that fruit…that now every woman after her would desire to control a/her man and the relationship.

Genesis 3:16

To the woman he said,”I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”

Before that, Eve was perfectly content with Adam. Their relationship was in perfect harmony. She didn’t question or doubt his love…she didn’t have to wonder “where is this going?”

Today, women all over settle for faux relationships, are in “situations”, gray areas, or are off again with their on-again-off-again EX for 8 years now… all because we ACT as if we cannot be without a man. We ACT as if we are not complete without a man. We ACT like getting/having a man is the end all-be all to our lives. And that is why men treat us the way they do. When we realize and know that we are God’s gift to any man, we’d stop settling and letting men run the show. But again, it’s the curse. Eve’s fault that we struggle with this…with men.

I know how it is. Here you are- beautiful, brilliant, good job, you have your place, AND good credit -yet you are single. And you are approaching 30. (Which I must say is truly an amazing age for so many reasons. More on that later.) You must realize that your singleness has nothing to do with anything you lack and has everything to do with timing.

For some reason, women think time is their enemy. We don’t want to get older because we think our looks will fade,  we panic if we aren’t married by a sudden age claiming our biological clock is ticking, etc. And we rush relationships. We get involved with men we shouldn’t because we want someone NOW and we stay with a man we shouldn’t because we don’t want to WAIT for someone new. Time is not our enemy ladies. Time is on our side. With time, you mature and get to know and love yourself. With time, you realize what is important in life, love and relationships. In time, you appreciate and know what real friendship is and you become a good friend. And you have to BE a good friend if you want good friends.

Ladies, we must stick together and support each other. Stop coveting what someone else has and quit it with the jealousy and secretly throwing shade on someone who you SAY is your friend. Our girls, should be our friends. I should be able to vent to my bestie about an issue I could be having with my man and not have to worry about her bashing him. At the same time though, if I am in a “situation” but what I really want is a relationship and marriage, then my girl will tell me that I do not need that dude, and I would listen and not think that she is “just jealous” or accuse her of butting in. Let’s get it together.

I am always hearing, and used to be guilty of saying, “Girls are too catty.” And, I still believe they are. That is why I am not friends with girls. At 31, I am friends with women. Grown women who are mature enough to have left the cattiness on the stage at their high school graduation. Women who are busy living their lives…taking care of their family, working, pursuing dreams, serving God… Cattiness? Games? Ain’t nobody got time for that. J

We spend so much time watching the ratchet and recklessness of shows like RHOA and Love & Hip Hop and excuse it as entertainment. But we don’t think it’s amusing when we are accused of or perceived as “an angry black woman,” or a “hoodrat.” But you allow those images and the drama to pollute your mind, watching it and dishing on it with your girls. Why be surprised then, when you find out Twanna is talking about you behind your back or tried to push up on your man? And why you mad? It’s just entertainment. Right.

These sorry depictions of women and how they act around other women are not entertaining and they give the wrong impression about what real female camaraderie is like. When women get together it can be so refreshing and fun. Female friendships are such a blessing. And I am not even just speaking from personal experience. It is a scientific fact. A study conducted at UCLA, reported that bonding with a friend is just as good for our health as working out and that failure to have quality friendships is as dangerous to our health as smoking. (Read about it here: )

Yet, we will forsake our girls for a man in a minute. How many of us have that friend whom every time she gets a new man, falls off the map? And when they break up or are going through problems, suddenly they always have time for us… Why, girl, why? And the saddest part, is that men see and know we are this way and come to the same conclusion as my friend- and say things to us like “stop telling your girls everything, they are not really your friends. They are just hatin’ on our relationship.” Really? Do not believe that lie. If you have a REAL friend, she is not hating. She is concerned. She loves you and wants you to be in a happy, healthy relationship.

So stop asking her for advice on that dysfunctional relationship you have no business being in. You already know what you should do- END IT. Your girl B said so…

3 thoughts on “Girls and Friends

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